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Performance Issues? Any Good Enhancement Requires a Stimulus

Disclaimer: It is recommended you do not read the following article if you are easily offended. It’s probably not a good idea even if you’re only sometimes offended. Actually you know what, if you’ve ever been offended by anything, it’s probably a good idea to just go ahead and skip this one.

Making it rain on that Economy

Making it rain on that Economy

February 17th certainly brought with it a delightful afternoon. That’s when the 787 billion dollar stimulus package finally penetrated a myriad of congressional impotence. In fact, I bet it’s already getting busy fixing the economy. However it is a costly fixing, once interest payments are factored into this bad boy, the package will cost taxpayers around a trillion dollars.

It wasn’t a particularly bipartisan affair, but a threesome of republicans did choose to switch hit on this one. The other Republicans, who had suddenly unearthed their conservative beliefs, were still left concerned this was a return to big government. Republican congressman Hes Anotreal complained, “government’s position should not be that of a missionary giving out charity; that sort of thing should take place privately between the men and women of our communities.” In addition, there are worries about the amount of pork in the bill. Barack Obama counters that there isn’t a single earmark in the whole thing; which is primarily because the whole thing is an earmark: special goodies guaranteeing extraordinarily big and creepy smiles for all sorts of people in need of economic enhancement.

One of the many notable pieces of this bill designed to pork our economy is one that will provide $335 million for STD prevention. This will presumably be spent on education and dispensing condoms to high schoolers. All of which begs the question: what exactly are they trying to stimulate? There’s also $50 million for the National Endowment of the Arts, which I, apparently mistakenly, thought was already impressively well endowed.

Furthermore, there are apparently 18,750 projects not listed in the stimulus package, but proposed by mayors who are trying to push these projects through the back door. Of those likely to reach first base, one includes $500,000 for a dog park in Chula Vista, California. Dog parks you say? Well, with the summer months rapidly approaching we wouldn’t want to have any dogs in heat with no park or playmates, playing in whatever style doggie’s prefer: fetch, tree climbing, kiddie pool lounging or the like.

The adult entertainment industry also requested 5 billion to stimulate itself. Unfortunately, unlike just about everyone else, they struck out in this endeavor.

Administration official Ida Madeherup has defended these projects by saying “Bush (George), Dick (Cheney) and Colin (Powell) had their chance and instead of actively trying to stimulate the economy for everyone, they blew the treasury’s wad getting in bed with major banks and left the rest of us to our own devices. Bush’s policies are finished and we need to pull our economy out of the box he’s put us in, before it starts to hurt really bad. A new approach is necessary to sufficiently lubricate the gears of industry and get our economy up again. We are actively working with Republicans because we sincerely want both parties to be satisfied. However, we will drill this through if we have to. The time for talking has passed and the time for doing is now.”

That’s what she said and admittedly, it makes a lot of sense. We simply can’t blow this opportunity. Or in the immortal words of Obama’s Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel: “Rule one: never allow a crisis to go to waste.” So despite its pork, the stimulus package is surely necessary to provide some much needed economic enhancement. We need to stimulate our economy to raise our standard of living through constant and sustained thrusts of capital into the private sector.

Economic euphoria surely awaits.

This article was brought to you by Stimulus: Because all economies have performance issues.


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