Live and Learn, Obama Says, Uncategorized

Swift Wits: Stimulating Job Loss, Goldflation and the Volatile Chastity Market

pinkslipThe May numbers are out and the United States lost over 500,000 jobs last month. The Dow Jones may have rebounded some, but every liberal, and most conservatives, will tell you that just affects those evil rich people. Average folks are still losing their jobs despite bailout after stimulus after bailout, etc. However, there is a silver lining, according to Yahoo! Finance:

“U.S. companies axed 532,000 jobs last month, though this was fewer than the revised 545,000 jobs lost in April, according to the ADP National Employment Report.”

Oh good deal, that’s a 2.4% improvement. So if we can keep that rate steady of improvement month by month, the U.S. will only lose some 11 million jobs before we begin to gain jobs again sometime around August 2012. Not too shabby. It would certainly be better than the 500 million jobs Nancy Pelosi said we would lose every month if the stimulus package didn’t pass. That would put unemployment at around, oh 167% next month. A rate that even an economy as dynamic as ours, might not be able to recover from.

Gold is also up from around $870/ounce in early April to close at $982.30 today, a rise of almost 13% in just about two months! Gold prices are a good sign of inflationary pressures. It looks like we’re going to be in for some pretty vicious price increases in the near future. I guess that’s what happens when you print money like we’re going to run out of paper.

In other news, perhaps Karl Marx had a bit of a point when he said capitalism would turn everything into a commodity. Sure, the system he envisioned got 100 million people killed when a bunch of vicious statists actually implemented it, but hey, at least he got one thing right. According to the New York Post, Natalie Dylan (not her real name) auctioned off her virginity online. The winning bid: a cool $3.8 million dollars! Unfortunately (I guess that’s the right word), the deal fell through. The “winner,” a 38 year old Australian businessman, had to back out. Shockingly, his wife wasn’t particularly pleased with his recent purchase and put some modest pressure on him to renege on his “contract” (and thus keep true to some oath he presumably took). Luckily for all you millionaires with ridiculously, creepy fetishes out there, Natalie is back on the market. Let the bidding begin!

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